Posted by Kerry on Apr 13, 2009
How do you find balance in your work and love life, when you work with your love life? Partnerships are hard enough without throwing in any emotional entanglements…so how do people do it? After much trial and error, I’ve developed some insight.
My husband and I both have home offices in different parts of the house. The work/life overlap has always existed to some degree, but took on a much sharper edge when we started a major project together last year. It was an exciting opportunity, and our early business meetings and brainstorming sessions were filled with laughter and intensity. Similar in many ways to the beginning of an infatuation, or our relationship!
Due to the nature of the project, I think we were both under the impression that our partnership was experimental and would be short lived. We were developing some real estate and it would not be in our hands for long. We designed a house together and developed a marketing plan. If things went well we would look for another opportunity and try to do it again.
That was well over a year ago, and there is no end in sight. We have had to reevaluated the entire scope of the project, and the plan has been revised to where we are starting from square one. Of course there are extenuating circumstances, but nonetheless this business of ours became larger than what we were able to keep in perspective. In other words, I became resentful that my husband would only talk business to me, and he couldn’t understand why I wasn’t more interested in our business!
We both have our other jobs as well as this business together. We also have the most delightful 7 year old daughter, and many other responsibilities that need time and discussion. What was happening to us was we would discuss this particular project at every single opportunity, to the exclusion of the rest of our lives. When we had a free 15 minutes, we talked about the house, or land, or sale or whatever stage it was labeled at that moment.
As busy parents with busy lives, it can be hard to find balance with work and home. Adding this whole other element, working together, and the first thing to go was the intimacy in our relationship. The time that we had to talk about us, and take care of us, was sacrificed for talking about business. Its tricky because the illusion is that you are communication, but the content is missing.
Finding balance is a goal that requires effort, but identifying where you have lost your footing is the hard part. When I no longer have the stomach to talk about this project with my husband, I know that I have lost my perspective and we are out of balance. When my relationship is in balance, everything else seems to flow along with it. I want to love the work and love the partner!
As we start this next phase of our project, a LEED certified home on our property(woohoo!!!), we are on the same page emotionaly as well as with the business end of things. The foundation for our success in working together as a team is set, because the balance of our family lives has been identified and re-set. It may be a see-saw, or some funky couples yoga pose, but each is available to balance the other. And if one sways, the other will steady.
Posted by Kerry on Mar 14, 2009
I have been coming to Martha’s Vineyard since I was 12. I met my husband when we were 13, and we have known each other for more than 30 years. We have mutual friends that we have known for the same length of time, and in the summertime you could pull out photos of any summer over those 30 years and see many of the same faces smiling back at you.
This place is magical. Not only do we have the glorious scenery, weather and community, but we get to know each other intimately without prejudice.
One of the bonuses to city living that I had not identified until I actually moved here was being able to circulate anonymously and selectively choose when and where I wanted to interact. It had not occurred to me that I used this as a tool, a way to keep people a arms length and myself safe. When you live in a small community, you don’t have the option of not engaging. You don’t get to not speak with the person who delivers the mail, because you actually have to pick it up and ask for it yourself.
Your doctor or you child’s doctor may be sitting next to you at dinner and with a nod, the recognition is acknowledged and confirmed for all to see. There are a number of hairdressers on the Vineyard, but the sanctity of those relationships are compromised by the fact that everybody knows everybody, and they either saw you go in, saw you come out, or were actually there to witness you with the foil in your hair. If you need some professional services of a more intimate nature, don’t despair, you will run into someone you know!
It takes some getting used to, and my cautious city ways are slowly leaving me. Though I am blessed with many new friends and am learning about people whom I may not otherwise have been exposed to, I find myself grappling with a feeling of complete exposure. Of life in a small town, where everybody knows me and I feel openly vulnerable and transparent. I have never felt the need to hide anything about myself , what I stand for, value, or who I am, but, there remains an inherent instinct to protect myself. I’d start a self-help group for people with my condition, but there is not a chance of anonymity. So, I am here learning to live and let go, and enjoying the process of allowing new experiences and people in my life. Its not for everyone, and I didn’t think it was for me but we surprise ourselves.
So ultimately, this fishbowl has all the components of a thriving, self sustained environment, without any of the polution, noise or overpopulation of city life. I am so lucky.
Friends At The Beach
Posted by Kerry on Mar 09, 2009
Beware the ides of March. In like a lion out like a lamb. If you don’t like the weather in New England, just wait a minute…..These phrases keep circulating in my head as the weather plays tricks on me and we all try to hang on to our good nature. What does it all mean and more importantly how is it relative to me, and spring and my emotional state? I know the Shakespearean reference was a forewarning of doom. A cautionary phrase meant to warn Julius Caesar of his imminent death and it is a phrase heard ’round these parts in reference to the weather. Ominous right? Well with good reason. Not even taking into account the possibility of global warming, March is and always has been the most confusing teaser of a weather month on the Vineyard. One day it is sunny and warm, the next we have a raging blizzard or some form of New England monsoon.
This past weekend was glorious. The thermostat was hovering around 60 degrees Fahrenheit on both Saturday and Sunday afternoons, and it was a sound reminder of why we live on this island paradise. The bulk of the two days were spent outside on much neglected yard work and yard play. It was a gift from the gods, an early spring! We even spent a few hours at the beach, where we ran into other like-minded sun followers and winter weary friends. Of course when my alarm went off at 5:15 this morning to the cold, dark and undetermined precipitation, (some hideous combination of rain, snow and sleet) reality and winter came back and settled over me like a dark,wet cloud. Now I know I am stating the obvious, and this is not news to anyone living in the same hemisphere as me, but C’MON!!!
So thankfully the Vineyard is full of fun and interesting ways to beat the weather at its own game. The trick is to develop a strategy that you can count on, that will allow you to stay healthy, happy and wise, despite what mother nature is visiting on us on any given day,or moment. Now if you’ve been following my blog, you already know that I have the most weather resilient child ever born. She loves the outside no matter the temperature or what is falling from the sky, making it easy for me to plan lots of fresh air time. Some of our favorite activities include cross country skiing, sledding and building snowmen, women and creatures. Unfortunately she has an intense dislike for walking so any nature walks have to include much manipulation and coercion on my part. This will undoubtedly get better, as we have so many trails and conservation property to cover that her curiosity is likely to consume her. A fabulous way to spend an afternoon is wandering and exploring one of the many landbank trails that live here at www.mvlandbank.com .
Indoor favorites for us include ice skating at the MV arena www.mvarena.com which is a non profit community organization that is a really great secret retreat in the heat of summer as well as in March (!). We love the movies and the price and selection are right at the library www.vhlibrary.org. When left to my own devices I like to get in a yoga class, and there are a plethora to choose from, or I head to the gym, also a number of those abound. As I said, the strategy is to maintain optimal health which in turn will enable the happiness, and the wisdom (hopefully) follows naturally.
When in need of something special, we head to one of the many restaurants that stay open in the winter to cater to our more basic needs. A basic need for me it is to be taken care of, cooked for and served! One of my favorite restaurants in all seasons is www.sliceoflifemv.com for its consistently great food and fabulous desserts. When I need some guaranteed action I head over to www.offshoreale.com where there are always friendly people and lots of them. Of course there is much more, these are just a few ideas to stave off the gloom of March, the fickle and teasing pre-spring month that has us all in her grip. Things could be worse of course, just ask Julius.
Windblown March
Posted by Kerry on Feb 18, 2009
We’ve had alot of snow this year. There have been more school cancellations than I can count, and we have had our share of snow related outdoor activities. We have gone sledding , skating and cross country skiing. We’ve made snowmen, women and children, dogs and angels.There has been hot chocolate with whipped cream, hot chocolate with marshmallows, hot chocolate with cookies…how can it be that there is not a single flake left on the ground?
I grew up in Canada, and never saw the earth under my feet until the first week of April. We had snow up to the roof and it covered all surfaces, particularly surfaces worth playing on! Often it sits by the side of the roads and in yards well into May, black with soot from passing cars. One of the many great features of Vineyard life is that snow can be appreciated and played in one day, and melted away the next.
When Chesca and I have free time together, much of it is spent outside, at various playgrounds around the island. Like a chameleon to its surface surroundings, so is my daughter to environmental changes. I’ve yet to see weather that she would not be willing to embrace, so I have an even greater appreciation for the ever changing New England variety that we have here. I can’t say that I don’t miss the visual of the snow, but it sure is nice to be able to run out and play on the swings in the middle of February with my girl.
Oak Bluffs Playground
